Have I not been faithful? Do five years of procrastinatory devotion, tagging, friending, poking, and lastminute birthday reminders mean nothing to you? Our voyeurism orgies? The good times? I don't even have a myspace you miserable humanizer! I gave you my all.
Alas, despite my dedication and allaround awesomeness you have forsaken me and deactivated my account. This, simply put, was a dick move. Why must you spurn me so you vile web temptress?
Yet I shall not weep. Perhaps this is a harbinger from above, a signal of exciting new adultly times approaching, times when it will no longer behoove me to spend half an hour looking at wall comments of that girl from highschool with the superfine ass... I suppose it never behooved me at all. All those happy hours we spent trolling for hotties on company time, checking updates... have they come to nothing?
Indeed, I must admit it is with trepidation that I take my first steps into a life without you, my maddeningly captivating comrade. However, in the past few dark hours, as I take stock of all I have lost- friends, groups, witty wall comments, that awesome picture of me dressed as Tomb Raider- I begin to wonder if perhaps the time spent away from your candy-coated-clutches will become more valuable than virtual time. Perhaps I'll actually call my friend on her birthday. Nay, perhaps I'll actually see my friend. Start a group! A real live group that does real things. Maybe i'll do something truly spectacular without worrying about what a missed Facebook album opportunity it was...
Dost thou thinkest that a bluff? Damn you Facebook, mistress of a million eyes, you see through my resolve to the shivering core. You know how much I long to login just one last time, if only to answer that message, to check that album, to bid a final farewell...
A new account? A fresh start?
Not today, Facebook. Not today and not tomorrow. If we should meet again someday, know that I will not forget this injustice. Know that without you, although my midnight web stumblings will never be the same, I can see a bright new future on the rise. Damn you Facebook- damn your splendor and your might and your deactivation, but most of all, damn your ways. I'm going to go out in the sunshine with some real live friends and do some real live living and I thank you for the wakeup call, however jarring, you ungrateful harlot.
P.S. (my Facebook farewells)
Michael: Oh no I lost my inbox! Please send me the last message you sent to firstname.lastname@example.org so that I can respond! Also, you have a fascinating mind. Also, blog plug on lifetime would be peachy. Thank you so much.
Laz: Send me your blog link again! Hope school is going well my love.
Brian, Jeremy, Lauren, Rachel, Rob, Willy, Benji: A final poke.
Lauren: I never got to join your tv show group... are there episodes online?!!
Mr. McMegatron: Imagine I just wrote something hysterically offensive on your wall.
Others: you can reach me at WRITINGHANNAH@ME.COM or here on the blog.
Much love & silliness,
"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air..." Emerson