Saturday, August 2, 2008

Bombs Balls and Bullshit Biology

So just in case you thought the world has never been worse, and that for the first time in history we finally have the full capability and propensity to terrorize eachother into post-apocalyptic paramilitarized cults of religious zealotry and commercialized zombiism, Scotland's SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER is here to tell you that compared to the media of the cold war, Fox news is mother fucking goose. Check out this winning headline entitled, creatively, HOLOCAUST encased in a giant mushroom cloud:

Welcome to the 60s kids, a time before Madonna, before MMORPGs, before smoking pot was only for the cool kids. And it wasn't all daisies and folk music, no back in the day everyone was genuinely fearing for their lives as the possibility of nuclear attack loomed large. Much more terrifying than that, however, was the fact that every leading authority figure from here to Hiroshima (got the short straw there, huh guys) claimed that the best method of avoiding skin melting radiation and lung ravaging fallout was to crawl underneath pieces of wooden furniture, chair, desk, table, what have you, and put your hands over your head. This was a very bizarre exhibit but also heartening in a way- things have always been insane, and at least nowadays the government has stepped up the transparency of their idiot advice by telling us to use duct tape and plastic to cover our windows when the biobomb strikes instead of hiding under wood.

Scotland's Secret Underground Bunker was built under an unassuming farm house (though I assume SOMETHING was assumed based on all the thousands of tons of concrete steel and supplies being carted in an out of town whose former largest traffic source was a double row of sheep crossing the road). Housing full medical, living, radio station, radar, and communication facilities, this place was meant to keep the leaders of Scotland safe and give them a base in the event of nuclear attack. And then in 40 years they turned it into a tourist attraction complete with retro action mannequins:

here's one sexy lass who looks like she's been hitting the bottle a little hard since news of nuclear apocalypse

Here's me and dashingly handsome General Plasticock.

For some reason museums here really enjoy letting little kids dress up in clothing which smells like your grandmother's knickers drawer, and at the risk of getting lice I communicated some key military information to the zombie hunters aboveground in this authentic army helmet.

And me and Midge the sassy secretary directing some very important top secret calls:

Then, if that wasn't enough fun for the whole family for our entire trip, we visited the St. Andrews golf museum, which also had fun costumes. Here' me dressed as a dapper golfer circa 1810:

They had thrilling exhibits on the history of golf, the history of holes, the history of clubs, and (steel yourself folks) the history of ballmaking:

Then we went to the aquarium. At the aquarium, which, as I mentioned before, I will refer to as Aqua Alcatraz, they ran out of exhibit thrills after the dead crab and this giant fucking lobster thing, (which I'm pretty sure is just what a supermarket lobster looks like if you feed it butter instead of eating it with butter). Never ones to give up at AA, instead of throwing in the towel they decided to display whatever the hell else they could get their hands on, on no matter how irrelevant and anti-educational. Examples include: a chocolate display, an assortment of alien shaped erasers, and this neon orange dinosaur vehicle. "Dinosaur is an animal!" says McMoron the assistant curator.

and finally, here is me caught between flipping you the bird and giving you a peace sign as my brother Sam collapses on the bed in a blissful ambien-induced stupor. I'm having a claustrophobic time here but we're finally at the Edinburgh fringe where we will be in the same place for more than 2 days, which i'm really looking forward to. Keep me posted, take care, eat your veggies, and remember that even when the world seems at its darkest to be thankful that we're not back in the days when we thought duck and cover would save us. Now, at least, we know we're totally screwed.

much love


1 comment:

  1. ahh the joys of the cold war. personally, i'm still all about ducking under the desk. it just has a certain elegance that plywood and duct tape lacks. not saying that duct tape isn't classy. it's got style. but if it's a martini, ducking under the desk is the champagne of stupid self-preservation ploys.

    anyhow, i hope all's well- i figured a blog comment is the new wall post, so i just wanted to say holla. oh, and i'll be adding you to my blog roll.

    from sunny new haven, -matt