Captain Sarcasm the Intestine-clad Cock

Yesterday I ate some blood pudding by accident and wasn't too pleased. I mean at least they're not pussyfooting around the issue like those sneaky Prairie Oysters... blood is right in the title. And all around the inside too.. globs of it. You cook the meat in blood until it is congealed and then, I don't know, shove it inside lamb intestines or something. I want to know who was the first guy to discover that if you put your cock inside a lamb intestine sheath it'll collect the jizz. Something makes me think he wasn't looking for a responsible way to please his woman when the Eureka moment came. Came. That's right people, chuckle.

I've always been wary of the internet medium as highly misinterpretable ever since that fateful day in 8th grade when I told Chris Nolio that I wanted to show him my TI (calculator) to explain the math problem we were IMing about and it ended up looking like this in my terrible typist wannabe l33tspeek:

Ya I tink I jus
t need to show u
my Titos
how u how I did it

and subsequently being interpreted like this:

"Hey guys, Hannah said she wanted to show me her titties on aol!?"
"No way, liar."
"For real! Check it out I printed it!"

I was quickly and helpfully reminded by every 8th grade boy in an 8 mile radius that I had no titties to be offering a peek at, and my TI calculator explanation wasn't exactly ironclad in terms of getting me off the hook as a giant breast flashing calculation loving nerd.

So I tell you this... I don't really know why. Oh the intestine cock thing- right, so sometimes I feel like the tone is totally lost. Like when I say "wow the rubbery tubey insides of a farm animal can turn me on like nothing else" I might mean that I can think of nothing more repulsive because I'm being really sarcastic, OR you might be missing your one and only opportunity to have me as your devoted loveslave if you don't come to me on Halloween entirely encased in intestines holding a bouquet of roses which are also sheathed in intestines. Maybe it can be, instead, just a bouquet of intestines. And also blood pudding. Because then I'll totally want to show you all around my TI-83. Umm- I think for everyone's best interest I'm going to stop right there. Check back in later for a picture post.

xo
H
P.S. I wanted to put in some funny mathy double entendre up there just now but I have avoided anything that involves more adding than it takes to buy gas for years because I hate doing math, and we might have just gotten to the root of why I hate doing math. In a pathetic attempt to google someone who knew more about math and brought with the funny, I stumbled upon this really stellar pickup line which is not math but science related, but hey close enough, and this, really, this one is for sure the key to any woman's heart. Makes me wet just copying and pasting it:

If I had to rate my cock on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, I would be an Aggregated diamond nanorod, because I simply cannot get any harder.

And with that folks, I'm out.


(of talent readers and good taste)