Monday, July 28, 2008

Wee Posting

So I need to do this quickly before my computer craps out- my mother and I have to trade back and forth with the power adapter because the UK likes to be aware of convention, do whatever the fuck they want in the face of it, and extort millions of dollars from the poor hacks who happen to come over here needing to plug something into a socket that isn't designed for three enormous rectangular prongs the size of my thumb... who designed this shit?

Other things I am enjoying immensely about Scotland... I really like the adjective 'wee' that gets thrown around so often around here. It really softens any situation. "Walk right over here past that wee homeless bum and towards the castle" "I'll give ye a wee surcharge for late checkout." Wait- you're charging us for being 3 minutes late? There's nobody else in the hotel, who cares what time we check out nobody is checking in!.... Scot the Scot remains calm... "Just a wee charge sir." And my father, usually nobody's sucker, seems placated by this, nods his head, and signs the bill.

I am learning to love the fact that my family is incapable of getting to anywhere from anywhere without at least 2 major insults which harken back to 2 epic fights in family lore. It's like we all get in the car for 6 hours of misery and windy roads (which incidentally all go the wrong fucking way. Really England? We really pissed you off that badly that you had to go and put the steeringwheel on the other side of your cars? That's not even a cool rebellion it's just annoying. And confusing for all involved. I'm giving you the metric war, we were the dicks there... measuring things based on the arbitrary size of a dead guy's foot is not exactly decimal brilliance but if we agree to convert I fully expect you metric maniacs to get your motorways in order.) Oh so anyways, family, fighting... my mother yelled at my father for being to slow, which is her code for saying that he is boring and meandering and difficult to pay attention to for any length of time because he rambles so much. This is also a dig at the fact that his tempo is so slow, a very measured plodding duuum da duuuum da duum like that of a geriatric elephant. In family speak this means she's calling him not only boring, but also fat, and he's not too pleased about it. Slow means so much more than just slow.

He tells her that she is being 'difficult' This means a plethora of things, some of which I probably don't know and don't want to know, but as far as I've gleaned this is code for: my mother is unsupportive in ways which might have cost him his career, she is negative in ways which might have cost them the marriage, and she is impossible to please. He is basically calling her irrational and also a bitch and also appealing to her sense of wifely duty by implying he does all the compromising and she sits around complaining. All in one word. Difficult. They're clever those two.

For me, hearing that I am being "overdramatic" is the family's code to let me know that I'm a self centered reactionary bitch who doesn't fight fair. And that part is a little bit true- if I'm going to fight why not fight with guns blazing. I'm not sure if everyone in the family has detected the evolution of these words and the history behind them, but having spent a long time thinking about it I am probably best suited to extract the essence of their lessons and use them for my own purposes.

And this sounds totally sick talking about family life like warfare but in terms of psychological preservation, in terms of making sure you stay sane and happy without smothering one of them with a pillow, you need to be tactical. Good cop Bad cop. I told my mother she was my favorite travel buddy but that it stressed me out when she seemed anxious. I was careful not to call her difficult. Anxious implies the negativity but not the willful bitchiness, just the sad state of being anxious. We are getting along pretty swimmingly actually, everyone. I got to 200 pgs today. FUCK YAAA 200 pages of blathering goo which I need to sort through. FUCK NOOOO I'll keep you posted.

KK I miss u! Thanks for commenting i'll write soon.



  1. You know what? You're really fucking good. This is a great post.


  2. J!

    You made me smile on a very gloomy day in the Scottish moors. How is your documentary front coming along?

    For those who don't know, JR is a fantastic aspiring filmmaker, and the only person I know who is actually getting paid for it instead of just filming long shots of sad women smoking in windows and their drunken friends. JR, tell me about how it's all going- I was going to plug your production company site but thought I should leave that to you.

    As always I am humbled by your support even if, shortly after this if we had been in person, you might have accused me of being a klepto nympho mythomaniac. And perhaps I am all of those things but I am also really appreciative of your compliment as I strive to impress people but especially people who impress me and you've always been the latter in addition to being the guy who voiced Explod-a-butt. (also feel free to post that)

    I miss you and look forward to getting coffee when I return.

    JR is also the most successful person I know who has managed to be so without getting a real job, and is therefore always a source of inspiration for the sluggabed within. JR, if you wouldn't mind sharing any of your tips for the recent college grads out there we'd all be grateful. Miss you much.